Month: December 2012

I have been thinking a lot about happiness this past year, and wanted to share with you (well, really, with myself), a brief summary of where my thoughts are now.

As you know, I achieved a state of extreme exuberance, which lasted for a number of weeks, following my plateau experience a few months ago.  During this time, I wrote my book on happiness, but by the time I finished the book my exuberance had dissipated, and I started back on my search for authentic happiness – defined by the feeling of exuberance.

I detoured a little, researching different scientific topics with a strong preference to the biology of the brain, to include chemical influences on happiness and sadness, and autonomous brain actions and pathways, which help, explain how our brain works.

Having completed this tangent, I turned back to Happiness, and decided to look into the study of Happiness, and was surprised to find that very few people are looking at the question of Happiness.  The general perspective is that by removing sadness, one finds Happiness.  But intuitively, and through experience, I had come to believe that it only tells half of the story.

Looking on Amazon (my source for knowledge), I bumped into the idea of Positive Psychology, which seems to claim that Happiness can be fostered through Positive perspectives, among other things.

I am currently reading a book by the man who developed Positive Psychology, Flourish by Martin Seligman, and while I am only at the beginning of his book, I think this book will be a very positive addition to my thoughts on things, and want to already pull in a few ideas of his, to my model, which I will get to shortly.

Since models are easier to leverage with a name, I am going to title it the Comprehensive Happiness Model.

The basic idea behind the model is that Happiness can only be achieved when we have filled our five basic needs. These five needs are a direct reflection of our evolutionary path, and clearly provide our species the greatest chance to survive, or perhaps even thrive.  When any of these needs are LACKING fulfillment, they leave sadness or depression in their wake.

Specifically, our body chemistry monitors these needs and provides chemical rewards to our brain when these needs are fulfilled though a feeling of happiness (contentment) much in the same way that it gives us “good drugs” when we eat or have sex.  When our needs are not being fulfilled the lack of these rewards encourage us to action – like a junkie who withdraws.  (Not so sure about the scientific base of happiness withdrawal, so further research is needed there.)

The five base needs include Lack of Fear, Control of Our Environment, Not Being Alone, Life-Meaning/Productive Action, and Self-Knowledge of Existence.

Here is where Positive Psychology comes in.  By focusing our brain on the fact that our needs are fulfilled, we can create a habit (read The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg for a basic introduction, but it’s really more about creating unconscious processes), that our focus is on the positive and not the negative, and in turn keep our positive drugs flowing.  Add to that the idea of Brain Elasticity, and after a while, we can change our focus from the evolutionary default of focusing on what is lacking, to the constant focus of what we have, and thus happiness.

As I said, it is a working model, but I think it is getting pretty close to the truth.

 

I often consider becoming a scientist.

You see, there is something that I want to prove.  The intrinsic inter-connectedness of the world.  And I think science is the tool we use to prove things in our modern society.

In truth, it is really to prove it to myself, but I think the outcome would be good for mankind as well.

There are numerous ways man is interconnected with his world; through connection with inanimate objects, other creatures, the universe, and within himself.

Having discussed my peak, or plateau, experience, it was nothing other than an awareness of connectivity.   And this connectedness, provided an anchor for my self in the universe.  It provided an attachment from which to view myself as part of the whole, beyond the natural whole unto myself, that I was able to self discover.

Bringing this idea home a little, the concrete understanding that we are part of something bigger, can help those of us that struggle with being a speck in time.  It also explains why people associate so strongly with their sports team, or employer.  When we see ourselves as part of the connected universe, we no longer disappear upon death.  Rather, we transform back to where we came from, and if are honest, have been living the whole time.

 

A friend bought me what looks to be a great book on Vulnerability by Brene Brown, called Daring Greatly.  As I sat enjoying the view from my breakfast table enjoying my coffee and reading her first chapter about Narcissism, I had a great desire to blog, and coalesce my thoughts on the topic.

As I have dated, I hear others refer to ex-spouses as narcissistic, and if I am honest, I probably have used that label from time to time in my dealings with others.  However, as I have given this topic more thought, it really is my belief that Narcissism is not necessarily a bad thing.

In fact, I would argue that we are all Narcissistic.  It’s just another way of saying selfish.  And as a fundraiser, I can assure you that the world is a selfish place.  And thus narcissistic, in nature.

Of importance, is that people don’t “become” narcissistic.  Its just that in our dealings with them, if they are giving us what we want, due to influencing our giving them what they want, we don’t notice their narcissism.  It is only when our needs become incongruent, that their narcissism shines through.

For as we know, as a human setting foot on this earth, we have a right to act however we want.

Of course, actions have consequences that a wise person will take into account, but that doesn’t change our innate right to action.  (For those who assert that God has limited this right, such as murder, I would point out that it is the right to follow God’s word through action remains the foundational right.)

So narcissism is just a reflection of not wanting to give up ones happiness at the expense of anothers, which is what selfishness is really all about at its core.

It could even be argued that those that are not selfish, just prefer the happiness they receive through giving or by not feeling guilty about being selfish more than they value the happiness from not sharing.  (The old conundrum of is there such as thing as an altruistic giver.)

Further, I’m not so sure that narcissism isn’t good, at least from a person’s personal perspective.  I have seen just as much damage done to an individual by being a martyr, than by being a taker.  So really it comes down to balancing ones narcissism (the world is mine) with ones martyrdom (I am here for the world).  But we knew that already. 😉

So, I would argue that in our culture of insufficient resources narcissism is actually the more natural state of man, and it is through training that one finds balance.

OK, that was all academic, so lets make this a little more pragmatic, as it applies to relationships.

In a relationship, we want to seek out those people who through their social environment were taught to give since life will be nicer with them, than with the narcissist.

However, for those of us who were taught to give, there is a natural tendency 1) to assume everyone is like ourselves due to projecting and 2) we are taught not to take from others, in the process of being taught to give, both of which create a natural tendency for us to be in relationships with a narcissist.   In truth, it creates a symbiotic relationship.  Which works for a while, until we 1) get to know the other person better and 2) get tired of giving at which point the relationship strains.

 

 

 

 

Hi blog visitors. I thought you would like to know that I have released the working version of my book, The Secret Guide to Happiness, to the reading public.

You can download it here.

Happy reading!

A few months ago, I wrote about the most profound truth that I have ever experienced.

In recent reading, I came across a concept that fits spot on with my own description of my own personal experience.  This experience, introduced by Maslov in his book, “Religions, Values, and Peak Experiences”  is called the Plateau Experience.

Here is the definition from Wikipedia, that I am going to reuse, even though I think they made a slight technical mistake in it’s definition.

“[Plateau] experience is a kind of transpersonal and ecstatic state, particularly one tinged with themes of euphoria, harmonization and interconnectedness. Participants characterize these experiences, and the revelations imparted therein, as possessing an ineffably mystical and spiritual (or overtly religious) quality or essence.”

I have been having trouble finding many people that write about this concept, perhaps because it is called different names by others, but my gut is that what religions call transcendence or prophesy is none other than the experience Man has when he finds himself, and realizes that he exists, and has his (or her) own Plateau Experience.

If you haven’t had this experience, I can promise you that it is worth the effort to get there, and will make the rest of your life so much more meaningful.  I mention this only to give the reader, the idea of the end game of spirituality in my opinion.  Since in knowing the end point, it is so much easier to find a path to get where you are trying to go, instead of stumbling around trying to find the path to who knows where.