“How to discover what you are looking for in a mate.”

From time to time people ask me what I am looking for in a woman.  It is an interesting question, and since I think I finally got to the bottom of things, I thought I would share it with the world.

The first distinction to make is that at a base level, we all have five functional needs.  From these needs, I can then figure out what attributes in a person will best fulfill these functional needs.

Just to give one example, one functional need is physical intimacy, and the attribute that is borne from this needs is someone I find attractive.

So, when someone asks what I am looking for, they want to know what attributes the person should have. But in order to determine what they are, I must consider my core functional needs and then extrapolate to specific attributes.

The purpose of this post is to share my perspective on the five core functional areas that we can’t fully self-fulfill, and therefore desire a partner to help with this role.  Now, to a large extent we can all self-fulfill these functions in other ways, and even in marriage should keep that in mind, but the goal of a life partner I think is to find someone who can fulfill all of these roles to some extent.

1) Someone I respect that loves me, and I can love back.  In order to fulfill this function, the woman must be someone that has certain attributes, and therefore I respect and am appreciative of her love.  Otherwise, she isn’t “good enough” and the need won’t fulfilled.  This function is a result of our ego.

2) Someone to share daily life with in an uninhibited way.  This role reflects emotional intimacy.

3) Someone to be physically intimate with.  This is where attraction comes in.

4) Someone who has my back in life.  Good planning calls for contingency planning, and this role offers a sense of security.

5) Someone to provide human contact.  We can’t live in solitude.

So taken as a whole, these five roles create for each of us some number of attributes that we will tell our friend to keep an eye out for… and constitutes “what we are looking for.”  What those attributes are, are unique to each of us.

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