I’ve been thinking about love, attraction, and relationships lately, and wanted to share my current working thoughts.
I will start with the end; my definition of love.
“Love is a feeling generated by the basic human desire to have a constant connection with our primary relationships.”
First, we must understand where the natural desire for Love stems from.
In short, we see from solitary confinement and studies of monkeys, that people need companionship in this world, or they wither and die, even if their other basic needs are secure. So I will posit that there is a natural need for companionship, even if all other needs are fulfilled.
So in meeting people, an individual decides that they would like this person to be a companion for the long run (for whatever reason), and if they do, they create a feeling called Love. The upshot is that love can be one sided, like when we love a rock star, or even food. Further, the stronger the desire to have this person in their life, the stronger the Love.
So that is what Love is. Let’s now apply it to relationships.
By acting though our Love languages (or if we are wise, the Love language of the object of our Love), we demonstrate the existence of our Love, with the hope that the other party will also create a feeling of Love for us. When they do, we have created a mutually beneficial codependent love relationship – and we can say that the two parties are in love with each other. 🙂
Of interest is that attraction has nothing to do with Love. Rather attraction is about reproduction and the desire to have (or not have) sex with another individual.
The primary influence of what will create attraction is the family and social environment that a person grows up in, and thus what an individual tells themselves is attractive to them.
(Add some complicated chemical reactions, and the next thing you know, you have all-out lust.)
Of course, often Love can lead to Attraction or vice-versa, and the often go hand in hand in relationships, but in truth, they are two totally distinct topics, and need to be thought of in that way if you want to think clearly about the topics.