When we fight with someone else, there are often three issues at play.
The first, whatever the fight is about.
The second, what the fight is really about.
The third, what the fight is REALLY about.
The problem is that typically, when we fight we might resolve the first or perhaps even the second issue, but the third issue, the core issue, underlying eveything else, is left intact, with no real resolution ever reached. This, of course, ensures that the fight will come back at a later date, just under a different guise.
Of course, this is really no different than when we want to fix issues within ourself. We might fix a few external issues, but as long as the core is rotten, things continue to rot and fester and the issue just pops up somewhere else.
So, if there are things that are acramonius in any of your relationships (used broadly), if you want to fix them, you have to figure out what the core issue really is.
While, I mentioned this idea a while back regarding marriage issues, I think it applies to pretty much all relationships.
Here is a practical example of where I have seen this fact lately, in a most unlikely place.
Interestingly, I found out that for me, and I am guessing for many divorcees, the core issue with our ex, is a lack of trust. It makes sense that after an emotional divorce process, where both parties are looking out for their own best interests (and perhaps the kids, but honestly, I have yet to see anyone really look out for the kids best interest, unfortuantely), the two parties leave the table with a lack of trust for each other. Plus, in many cases, trust during marriage might not have been all that great to begin with!
The issue for divorced parties then is how can two parties that don’t trust each other ever hope to work courtiously together? Issues pop up and are put to bed. But the underlying issue, the lack of trust, remains. Obviously, both parties could remain in their non-trusting relationship, and putting out fights as they occur, but I submit that in most cases if they want to fix the real issue, the core issue, they must tackle the problem of trust.
Once they do that, everything else will fall into place.