Month: August 2012

Today, after being lied to, I realized who the real victim of lies is.  You might think that it is the person who is lied to.  The person who gets hurt, or damaged, or harmed in some way.

However, while they are certainly a victim, I think they aren’t the main victim.

So that seems to leave the liar themselves.  After all, what is a lie, but a fear on behalf of the person who is lying to face up to the reality of their life.  And someone who lives their life surrounded by fear is really entrapped in their own little world of non-existence.  To some extent, you could argue that they don’t even exist (from their own perspective) since they can’t live in their own reality.

But I don’t think that is really the victim, either.

Rather, the real victim is society, and those yet unborn, who enter into a world where they don’t realize the impact of their lies, on themselves and others, but lie out of rote, because those that set the example, themselves didn’t know any better.

Over the past year, I have taken numerous breaks.  Shopping breaks, dating breaks, electronic breaks, etc.

Looking back on these breaks as a whole, I can now effectively reflect on the value provided by these breaks from the norm.  In short, they allow for one to understand the emotional attachment and values that these actions provide for us. Well, if we think about it, they do.

With every break I have taken, there has been an emotional tug to cheat on my break.  This sensation, have given me more information about myself, my desires, and my fears than I typically can get through simple introspection.

So take a break from something that is important in your life.  In doing so, you will come to understand yourself better, and appreciate yourself as well.

Recently I have been giving a lot of thought to anger.

Anger isn’t something that I was raised with, and looking back probably was taught that anger wasn’t appropriate.  Looking back this was a stunting message, since in truth, if we feel it, it is right, and suppressing any emotions is not healthy.

Rather, the correct message is to understand that there is a difference between feeling anger and expressing anger.  and that we should feel it and not express it.

Usually.

I say this because, usually the object of our anger is another person.

As I read recently, “we need to learn to hate the action, and not the person.”  Wise words.  After all, the target of our anger is just a person like each of us, and while their their action might have been deplorable, it is really just a reflection of what they have learned in their path through life.  So why hate them, we should feel sad for them!

Plus, in most cases the thing we are angry about is really a reflection of our own insecurities and expectations that the world works according to some predictable pattern that we control. Which it doesn’t.  So usually anger is our problem, not theirs.

So where is anger appropriate?

When the anger is reflected at an idea, that is something we need to jump on board with.  When there are things in our world that need to be fixed, and no one takes action, we need to leverage anger in a positive way to create change.

At issue is that as a society, that likes to think we can control the world, we look down on anger since anger, like fire, is man uncontrolled.  We don’t like that.  It makes us uncomfortable.  We stay away from it, and disassociate from it.  Rightly so, since in general, as we saw, it is silly to associate with someone who is angry, since it is misplaced.

The lesson for us to take away is not to  throw the baby out with the bathwater, and leverage this important emotion to reacting to injustice and impacting the world in a positive manner.

From time to time people ask me what I am looking for in a woman.  It is an interesting question, and since I think I finally got to the bottom of things, I thought I would share it with the world.

The first distinction to make is that at a base level, we all have five functional needs.  From these needs, I can then figure out what attributes in a person will best fulfill these functional needs.

Just to give one example, one functional need is physical intimacy, and the attribute that is borne from this needs is someone I find attractive.

So, when someone asks what I am looking for, they want to know what attributes the person should have. But in order to determine what they are, I must consider my core functional needs and then extrapolate to specific attributes.

The purpose of this post is to share my perspective on the five core functional areas that we can’t fully self-fulfill, and therefore desire a partner to help with this role.  Now, to a large extent we can all self-fulfill these functions in other ways, and even in marriage should keep that in mind, but the goal of a life partner I think is to find someone who can fulfill all of these roles to some extent.

1) Someone I respect that loves me, and I can love back.  In order to fulfill this function, the woman must be someone that has certain attributes, and therefore I respect and am appreciative of her love.  Otherwise, she isn’t “good enough” and the need won’t fulfilled.  This function is a result of our ego.

2) Someone to share daily life with in an uninhibited way.  This role reflects emotional intimacy.

3) Someone to be physically intimate with.  This is where attraction comes in.

4) Someone who has my back in life.  Good planning calls for contingency planning, and this role offers a sense of security.

5) Someone to provide human contact.  We can’t live in solitude.

So taken as a whole, these five roles create for each of us some number of attributes that we will tell our friend to keep an eye out for… and constitutes “what we are looking for.”  What those attributes are, are unique to each of us.

I’ve been thinking about love, attraction, and relationships lately, and wanted to share my current working thoughts.

I will start with the end; my definition of love.

“Love is a feeling generated by the basic human desire to have a constant connection with our primary relationships.”

First, we must understand where the natural desire for Love stems from.

In short, we see from solitary confinement and studies of monkeys, that people need companionship in this world, or they wither and die, even if their other basic needs are secure. So I will posit that there is a natural need for companionship, even if all other needs are fulfilled.

So in meeting people, an individual decides that they would like this person to be a companion for the long run (for whatever reason), and if they do, they create a feeling called Love.  The upshot is that love can be one sided, like when we love a rock star, or even food.  Further, the stronger the desire to have this person in their life, the stronger the Love.

So that is what Love is.  Let’s now apply it to relationships.

By acting though our Love languages (or if we are wise, the Love language of the object of our Love), we demonstrate the existence of our Love, with the hope that the other party will also create a feeling of Love for us.  When they do, we have created a mutually beneficial codependent love relationship – and we can say that the two parties are in love with each other. 🙂

Of interest is that attraction has nothing to do with Love.  Rather attraction is about reproduction and the desire to have (or not have) sex with another individual.

The primary influence of what will create attraction is the family and social environment that a person grows up in, and thus what an individual tells themselves is attractive to them.

(Add some complicated chemical reactions, and the next thing you know, you have all-out lust.)

Of course, often Love can lead to Attraction or vice-versa, and the often go hand in hand in relationships, but in truth, they are two totally distinct topics, and need to be thought of in that way if you want to think clearly about the topics.