I received an interesting email from my Uncle after this post:
“Other than your keen sense of curiosity, why are you so interested in the why of it all? If it were all divine, what difference would it make to you? …You can continue to figure it out or forget about it.”
I have to admit, his question was very valid. I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about the world, but why do I do it? What is the motivating factor?
I gave this some thought the past weekend, and realized that for me, it is about control. IT is about control of the ultimate environment, since only by understanding something can we attempt to manipulate or control it. Of course, there is also the mystery of it all, but my passion behind things is really to make sense of it all.
In fact, I would argue that we all have this need for control, but we outsource the answers to whatever religion we choose to accept the beliefs of. However, for me, having not found respite in religion and belief, I am forced to find my own way if I want to somehow attempt, however vainly to control my outcome. And we all have the same outcome. Death.
Of course, if I think rationally about this, it is fruitless labor, since there is no angle that I am thinking about that others haven’t thought about before me. Or is there? After all, that is probably the question that keeps me persevering forward in my search.
One of the interesting outcomes is that I discovered a need to control. As you know from my thoughts on happiness, only be ridding oneself of needs can they find contentment and happiness. So I realized that what I needed to do, was remove this desire to control from myself. This need to have a plan. This need to know what will be.
So like other things, I decided to take a control break. I’m not going to try to control my environment, or seek to really understand it, rather just live it, and enjoy the ride.
I’m not sure how long that break will last, but my gut feeling is that by taking this route, it will finally break down my last remaining need, and allow true happiness to overcome my life again. I guess we will see!