Category: Josh Feingold Blog

There I was, at the DMV, sitting before the bullet proof glass at the worker behind the window.

It was a nice day, and I was in a good mood.  One of those world is my oyster perspective mornings, but realizing I was in a beurocractic environment, where the oyster may well be closed shut, with no tool in hand to open it with.

So I glided past the greeter, smiling and chitter chatting with the workers in the office, until my name was called and I approached State Worker #5 to help me get my ad velorem taxes settled.  Boisterous as I am, in a environment where no one knows me (that is when I am truly comfortable in my own skin – no self-doubt), I had a nice and apparently loud conversation with Mr. #5.

I say this because as I walked away, a lady stopped me, and said something to the effect of “Excuse me.  Do you mind if I ask what you do?  Because, if you don’t you should go into sales.  You would be really good at that.”

Well, I asked myself if being called a salesman is a good thing or not, and decided that most likely, she wouldn’t have stopped me to insult me, so I said thanks, asked after her and what she did, and went on my merry way.

After I left, I thought about it a little, and realized that the simple act of complementing me, really made my day, so I decided to pass it on.  Waiting in line at Lowe’s, I noticed a guys tattoos that were pretty nice, so I took a moment and said, “Nice tats” or something to that effect, and engaged him in tattoos, and how well the art was.  Who knows, perhaps he paid that forward too.  All because someone took the time to be present and put a positive spin on my actions.

So I pledge the following.  To try my best at least once a day, to simply compliment someone, friend, family, or complete stranger.  It feels good when I do it, and I know the other person appreciates it as well.  Don’t we all?

****

Having finsihed this post, I now realize that to some extent I started the circle when I was nice to the government employees that I interacted with.  Looking back, I said to myself, I bet people complain all day, and I’ll try to be “Nice guy Josh” and keep it positive.  So I guess to some extent, my own being nice, led to others being nice to me.  Which also adds to the overall value of this project.

I look back on the past 18 years as I have stepped into the “real world” and realize what I have lost from the perspective of just being a nice guy.

I used to be a really nice guy. The kind of guy that would stand for anyone to let them have the last seat.  The kind of guy that would drop everything to help a stranger move.  That kind of guy.  I don’t think people really got pissed at me back then, other than that bitter feeling of “why is he such a nice guy, what’s wrong with him?”

I’m not really that nice anymore, and I look back and bemoan what happened to me.

When did I become so focused on the rat race, that I lost sight that the only place we are racing to is the grave? When did I lose focus on the fact that life was about relationships and not about money?  When did I start putting success on a petistal, and knock down niceness?

Honestly, I’m not sure, but I can tell you that this topic is going to be a focus for me for the rest of the year, so I can get back on track.

(Before I get a bunch of emails – well probably two, if history is any predictor – saying, “Josh you are such a nice guy, I don’t know what you are talking about.”  Please remember that this is all from my perspective, and knowledge of who I could be – and have been at times in my life.  The fact that I may – or may not be – nicer than the general population, doesn’t change my vision of my personal potential.  Plus I may just be nice to you.)

Sometimes I piss people off.

Yeah, I do.  I certainly don’t mean to, but I seem to do it quite a bit lately.

Typically, it is when people get annoyed by my tenacity.  My lack of giving up.  My push to make things happen. Quickly.

Other times it is when someone wants something from me, but I’m not willing (or perhaps able) to provide what they want.

But in no case, do I think I am being hurtful.  I may make them mad, but I am never purposely hurtful.

What is the difference?

Reactionary hurt is malicious, wheras regular hurt is a byproduct of someone not liking something about you.

No matter how much I decide I dislike you, I have no right to be hurtful to you.  I have no right to say disparaging things.  I have no right to twist the knife, and make it hurt.  I don’t have to like you, but you don’t need to feel bad about that.

And if I do, this attitude comes from a very unhealthy place.  A dark place.  A sad place.

In truth,  at the essence it comes from a scared place, which is why we may forgive those who are proactively hurtful for their actions.  Of course, there are those who feel that they deserve the reaction of others, but I would think that unless what you did was purposefully hurtful, there is no real excuse for their reactive actions.

If you want to be magnanamous, perhaps give someone a break the first time, but if there is a pattern, it isimportant   to remember that we may well be better off saying goodbye to these people and finding others who are kind and gentle to replace what may have been a misguided friendship.

 

As much as I dislike first dates, I do love watching myself and the person across the table send signals.

It’s really fun to watch those things that we want the other person to realize – and make it blatently obvious.  Of course, that is happening on the other side as well.

The most amazing thing to me is that we don’t even know we are signaling unless we pay attention to it.  However, once you are watching for it, it is impossible not to note.

From a self-improvement perspective, this is great, because signals often show those things that you aren’t comfortable about yourself with.  And discomfort with self, is a bad thing. TM.  So by focusing on those things where you signal, you can take them aside and bring them into the wholeness of yourself.

Of course, by paying attention to the signals of the person across the table, you can also get great insights into that person.  As is well known, people tell us exactly who they are, if we choose to listen.  It’s part of the definsive process of an honest person (i.e. this only applies to an honest person), whereby we try to allow someone to love us for who we are, and in doing so, tell them who we are, often through signaling.

So signaling is powerful.  And control of this power is available to those who take the time to understand its source.

I read an interesting article the other day about a Norway prison, where murderers and rapists, pretty much live on an island without restriction.  Of course, there is one restriction, that they do have which is that they are stuck on the island.

Fast forward a few days and one of my friends emailed with the question of if the happiness model I have discussed would apply to third world countries.  The basic question was can someone be happy when there is murder, famine, and rape all around them.

I gave the question some thought, and realized that the two issues are connected.

If I asked you a core belief you would die for, I bet Freedom would top your list.  Freedom is a welcome right to us Americans.  However, I ask you, what do we mean by Freedom?  What Freedom would you give your life for.  Since as you know, even in America we are not truly free.

I am not free to skip my duties to pay tax.  I am not free to harm another person.  I am not free to yell “Fire” in a public space, where there is no threat of Fire.  So, clearly, we have limited freedom.  In fact, that is one of societies primary responsibilities, to restrict freedom in such a way as to benefit the society at large.

There are other freedoms that are great in America.  Freedom of religion, freedom of sexual orientation, freedom of free speech.

However, while these are core freedoms, I would think that there is one freedom that trumps all others.

The freedom to leave.

Now in truth, to exercise this freedom, there are two issues at play.  When I was visiting Cuba I learned that the cuban government doesn’t restrict anyone from leaving.  Nope.  The reason that everyone is in Cuba is because (in general) no other country will let them in.   So the freedom to leave is predicated on the permission of the Government where you live to let you leave, and another Government to let you enter.

It is this fact upon my happiness model lies.   That one has the freedom to go somewhere else.  For without it, we are stuck and happiness is not within our control.  The key word being control.  If we are not in control of our environment, happiness can be elusive.

And it is this reason that the prison that I mentioned at the beginning of the post works.  Because, the prisoner knows that they don’t have freedom.  That they lack control.  And this ultimately, is the worst punishment that we can give someone.